Oscars

Esta noite, estive como grande parte de vós a ver a entrega anual dos oscars da Academia de Hollywood. Além dum Chris Rock (muito contido e bem-comportadinho) pouco mais me puxou para ver a cerimónia... Mas acreditem que à 1h da matina lá estava eu no sofá, com a minha gata, a Pipoca a fazer-me companhia e uma taça de cereais de pequeno-almoço com leite morno para me alimentar no ínicio do espectáculo que ia dar na caixa-mágica. Após parcos minutinhos de «stand up comedy» fraquinha eis que senti uma presença forte na sala. Não que eu tivesse andado a brincar com tabuleiros de ouija mas ele apareceu... Ele apareceu e ajudou-me a passar aquelas 3 ou 4 horas de tédio. Ele apareceu e sussurou-me uma routine inteirinha e depois desapareceu sem me agradecer as inúmeras homenagens, referencias e roubos que eu lhe fiz neste mesmo blog que estais a ler...

E as suas palavras que recordo com tanto carinho, pois anotei-as num bloco de notas a caneta exactamente como ele as ditou... Foram estas:

B -Hey Inês... What if the porn industry decided to create their very own «oscar award»?

I -What? Who's this voice speaking in my head?

B -It's me. Don't you recognize the voice from who you've been stealing from?

I -Could it be... B?

B -Yeah, it's me. You've blown my cover. Trying to act as a ghost but you've found me.

I -B... Why me?

B -Because I felt like it, ok. Besides you've been smoking an awful lot of strange drugs lately, I can tell you... I assume soon you will be in the same dimension as I am now... Now... Shut up. Get a load to this...

Just imagine if the porn industry just had their oscars too...

"Best Dick in a Leading Role"...

In a porn movie even the supporting roles are leading because they always lead to something...

Then eventually you would have: "Best Hole in a Leading Hole... Sorry, Role."

And that would be it, we would not even have nominees just nominee body parts...

Here honey, let me set up an example for you...

Categories: "Best Actress..." Screw best actress... "Best pair of jingling tities", that's more like it...

Hell, yeah. "Best Pair of Legs"... Screw legs... Let us have the "Best Pair of Wide Spread Thighs"; "Best Piece of Ass"; "Best Pussy on a Supporting Hole... Role, I mean"... Supporting a fully erected 12 inch dick belonging to another dick who happens to be named Dick. Well, this porn actor name is Dick Bogacde. It's a strange name I know... He says. But by the time I had to choose an artistic name I had this spelling-problem where I kept trading the «r's» for «c's»... You stupid runt.

But on a second thought, porn industry don't have oscars because they are not «best» at anything... People who work on porn industry; do they have sindicates?

They simply would say:

"Let Hollywood have their «best» on this «best» on that...

We have «beasts»... Sure as hell we have some beauties, too.

(Tracy Lords means anything to you?)

Oh, and «beastie-alley-tee-two»...

Yes, you want me to repeat? «Beastie-alley-tee-two»... Which is not an acronym for having a three caucasian boy rock/rap band singing «You gotta fight for your right to party» in an alley wearing only tee-shirts at two a.m. but, nevertheless is the word for sex with irational animals... "

(Of course the trick here is to find out if the irational animals are the dogs, horses, pigs and the like or the people that fucks and enjoys to have sex with dogs, horses, pigs... Even if it is only for the money. That's no excuse. You can apply for working at a burger joint flipping burgers... Eminem started like that... Look where he is now. It was a job as exciting as watching paint dry... He used to masturbate over the burgers but no one needs to know that... Oh, I ate at that joint one night. I also thought that was garlic dressing-salad sauce... Since then I cannot even spell the word mayoneeze.)

Or on a second thought, the irational are the ones who get hard-ons watching this specific type of porn. The only reason it exists it's because there is men who want to watch them. I say men because I believe no women would get horny with things like that... They might like strange things like receiving flowers, romantic dinners, sunsets and hot sauce all over their bodies... But no women I ever met gets horny with beastiality.

Some fall in love with ugly men and some men are really ugly and might look like beasts...

But one thing is being with a man like Shrek, the other is having sex with the donkey.

The porn industry doesn't knows the word «best». When they hear some simple sentence with that word in it they always think the person who said misspelled an «a» between the «e» and the «s». For instance:

In a friends' conversation:

Zachary -What movies you watched last night?

Emilly -I watched "American Beauty" and the best movie starring Kevin Spacey (...)

The porn industry goes like:

-Really? American Beauty and the Beast? That sounds like a pretty good title. It's catchy. So catchy I believe I've heard it somewhere...

Ok, let's not be so harsh on them... They are not the «good for nothing» actors and actresses...People. Sure as God created green little apples they are not «Best Actresses» or «Best Actors»... «Best People» either...

Ok, then... Let's just give them the «Not So Bad» awards... That's right, the categories will be the "Not So Bad Actress in a Leading Role"... The "Not So Bad Director"... And so on and so on... That's true, the "Not So Bad Actress"... That's an important role.

Her qualifications in a casting are: Hot body and moaning capacities.

At a porn industry casting:

-Well, Trixie... We took a look at your resumee... You might be the actress we are looking for to this role, 'cause you are tabasco kinda of hot, you have steaming thighs... Never had drama classes... Never did an acting workshop... You don't really know how to act convincingly in drama roles or any other kind of roles...

-Now be honest and tell us... Can you moan real, real loud for us a little so we can see and hear your vocal moaning she-wolf like capacities?

That's why porn industry exists... For those people who likes to appear on camera but really doesn't know how to act also can have a normal job (or a blowjob) to earn a living.

When at the middle of a porn movie an actress really starts to act, well... That's the end of her carreer in the porn industry.

Porn Director -What? You did a bit of acting, Trixie?

Trixie -Well I...

Porn Director -What have I told you, Trixie? Spread your legs and just let the vaginal juices flow while you moan real loud. Well, I'm not a women and swear to God that if it depends on me I'll never know what it feels like to be one... But, spreading your legs, let the vaginal juices flow and moan... How hard can that be???

Trixie -Well, I... I just spelled a few words when I was coming...

Porn Director -A few words??? I know what you said, young lady. Coming? Coming? You were actually coming, Trixie? You don't come here to come. That's pleasure. You come here to pretend you're coming. You should never mixture pleasure with work, not even if you work as a porn actress in the fucking porn industry, capisce?

Trixie -All I did was grabbing the skull with both hands and while I did not looked to the empty sockets of those holes over my bush spelled the sentence... "Allas, poor Dick..." After all, you are filmming "Cumlet - The Princess of K-Mart"...

Porn Director -Yeah, (the story of a K-Mart employee who has a crush on another K-Mart employee - Dick, and one day she finds a rubber skull while cleaning the basement of that K-Mart store and starts masturbating, quite simple) and the only words on the script are "Oooooooooh... Yeah... That's it... Harder! Harder!..." Not good enough for you... I see.

Sharon Stone did that bit of non-acting for William Baldwin on "Sliver" but not good enough for dear young Trixie.

Trixie - But "Allas, poor Dick..." those are just three little words...

Porn Director -NO. Those are not just three little words like you put it. That is Shakespeare. You just changed the name of the guy from Yorick, to Dick. They both end up in "ick"!!! That's plagiarism.

Trixie -I thought it would be ok to improvise a lil' bit... "Ooooooh... Yeah... That's it... Harder! Harder!..." is a good line, I mean script... But...

Porn Director - Don't you butt me, lady. I know the words on the script, I'm directing the flick and I also wrote it myself, thank you very much.

By the way, missy... You misquoted something there... It's "Ooooooooooh"... With a much longer vowel... But you think I didn't noticed that little bit of acting, didn't you? Silly rabbit... Now, go back to your dressing room and pick your shit 'cause you are fired.

Trixie - Well then since I'm fired can I have my copy of "Macbeth" back?

Porn Director -I'm affraid we used it to lit the fireplace...

Trixie -Fuck...

That's right, this is what happens when a porn actress shows that she can start acting and not just moan and make funny noises like a squeaky toy-doll. If she gets lucky she eventually becomes a real actress and hits the big screen at Hollywood studios changing her name to Cameron Diaz or something like that...

Yes, at Hollywood actresses seem to be doing a bit more of acting lately...

But not in the porn industry, thank heavens for that. At the porn industry actresses just suck...

Well, not just... But they do suck too. Thank God for that.

Sure actors get blown...

But some might take care with the actresses with whom they co-star with because I've heard this story of a porn actor who was co-starring with a new porn actress in this really sleazy flick; her name was J. Lo - her full name was Jay Lo-Reena Bobbit... She was a shemale, I guess.

Trust me on this: You don't want to know what happened to that poor fella whan the director of that flick wraped up and screamed the final "Cut!"

And what about that award? How it would look like? What would it be made of? Who would design it? What shape would it have? Well... The material, the design and the shape it's not that important... The question all the porn actresses want to know is: Would it come with a «batteries included» sticker on it?

Depois disto ele desapareceu e eu já não senti mais a sua presença. A não ser uma desaconchegante sensação de frio nos pés... Vá-se lá saber porquê.

No entanto depois disto tudo que ele me ditou ficou-me na mente uma questão pertinente:

Se houvesse oscars em Portugal, o oscar de "Melhor Montagem" ia para uma campanha política ou para um filme pornográfico? E não são um e outro a mesma coisa? Sim, mas quem se fode somos sempre nós.

Já agora sabem porque é que não há oscares em Portugal? Eu fiz um pequeno trabalhinho de pesquisa e descobri a verdade.

A resposta está nos títulos dos filmes:

Americanos:

American Beauty (1999)
Citizen Kane (1941) aka "American" - USA (working title)
American History X (1998)
Team America: World Police (2004) aka "American Heroes" - USA (working title)
American Wedding (2003) aka "American Pie 3: Piece of Pie" - USA (working title) aka "American Pie 3" - USA (working title) aka "American Pie: The Wedding" - Australia, (English title), Singapore (English title), UK aka "American Pie - Jetzt wird geheiratet" - Germany
American Splendor (2003)
American Graffiti (1973)
"American Idol: The Search for a Superstar" (2002) aka "American Idol 2" - USA (promotional title) aka "American Idol 3" - USA aka "American Idol" - USA (new title)
From Justin to Kelly (2003) aka "From Justin to Kelly: A Tale of Two American Idols" - USA (working title)
"The American Experience" (1988)
The Quiet American (2002)
The American President (1995)
What a Girl Wants (2003) aka "American Girl" - USA (working title)
An American in Paris (1951)
An American Tail (1986)

Portugueses:

Det bli'r i familien (1994) aka "Taxi to Portugal" aka "Taxi till Portugal" - Sweden
Bom Povo Português (1981) aka "The Good People of Portugal" - (English title)
Portugál (2000)
Portugal S.A. (2004)
Outro País: Memórias, Sonhos, Ilusões... Portugal 1974/1975 (2000)
Gran señora, Una (1959) aka "April in Portugal" - (English title)
Portugal - unbekanntes Land am Meer (1952)
Inês de Portugal (1997) aka "Ines of Portugal" - (English title)
Kejsarn av Portugallien (1944) aka "The Emperor of Portugal"
Suspiros de España (1995) aka "Suspiros de Espana y Portugal"
Aspectos de Portugal (1936)
Aspectos de Portugal - Praias (1923)
Assistência aos Tuberculosos no Norte de Portugal (1932) - Isto é que é!
Auf Wiedersehen, Portugal (1957) - Ora lá está!
Azulejos de Portugal (1959)
Castelos de Portugal (1936)
Cerâmica de Portugal (1932)
Château au Portugal (1992) (TV)
Colóquio Henriquino Entre as Academias Militares de Portugal e de Espanha (1960)

Onde é que estam o:

Graffiti Português?

A Beleza Portuguesa?

O Esplendor de Portugal???

(aka Portuguese Splendor)

Equipa Portuguesa: Polícia Mundial

Não, nós temos os castelos, os azulejos e as cerâmicas... E o Portugal S. A.

(Com títulos destes não admira que os Americanos pensem que pertencemos à Espanha.)

O nosso oscar provavelmente seria feito nas Caldas-da-Raínha (aka Caldas of the Queen).